Mum is always telling me to go to bed every night but I don’t want to. Not when I don’t have a reason to wake up, I will sleep at a decent time when I know there is something worth waking up for. My life is crumbling, it has become uninteresting, there’s nothing I can look forward to. My mum always say that I have potential in being great but as I’ve grown up I’ve realised she was saying that to make me feel better. I still remember the day when I saw the colours in my eyes fading, seeing my classmate’s uniform’s colour fade, my sudden confusion, I couldn’t comprehend what was happening, everything around me was slowly fading into 2 simple colours: black and white. I don’t what happened next but the next thing I saw was the tears of my mother, sitting next to the hospital bed with her sorrowful look, I was only 5 and didn’t know what to do but one thing was for sure, my heart was aching. From then on, I’ve become more aware that I’m colour blind, the doctor told me that my case is different and that I needed some stimulant to recover but he didn’t know what, basically letting me accept the fact I will forever be colourblind.
Life after that was so different, I couldn’t go to school because I was so negative and hated being underestimated. I did try to go to school but all I could hear was, ‘So she’s the colour blind girl.’, I hate being labelled, I hate being different, I hate being myself. I have lost interest in food because I couldn’t see the colours, I have lost interest in movies and the media because all I could see is black and white. For the past 12 years, I’ve been living without purpose, I’m living not for my sake but for my mother, she was the only one who didn’t give up on me and I don’t want to let her down, she is the world to me, the only thing that I hold dearly. All the time, I feel angry with myself because I am who I am, a useless colourblind teenager who has no hope in life. I feel angry because I can do nothing about it and I feel angry because I see my poor mother suffer everyday because of me. I shouldn’t be living, I’m an outlier. I’m constantly alone in this great big world and I hate it.
I woke up today just as usual, grieving about my life and how messed up it is, eating my mother’s breakfast and telling her to go away but today, my mother sat down in front of me, looked me into her tired, concerned eyes and said, ‘Emily, you’re almost 17, we need to start thinking about college and university, you can’t hide away from reality.’ It hits me, the cruel reality. I didn’t want to hear what she wanted say, because it would just make me aggravated and I don’t want my mother to be hurt, I ran out the front door and into the unknown world that I haven’t discovered, I couldn’t handle it, going back to school is just too much to deal with, I just want to be forever immersed in my own world.
I was roaming the streets crying like an idiot, bearing the strange stares from the pedestrians. I sat on a bench and calmed myself down, but what astounded me was the glimpse of vivid green, I turned around and saw a store displaying a promotion on video games. However, what surprised me was, that the boxes of games were all in colour, right in front of my colour blind eyes, they were the first coloured objects I have seen for the past 12 years, was this a blessing from heaven? All I could see was the sparkling colourful video games that brightened. I have found the stimulant in my life, video games, it sounds ridiculous but I think I’ve found a purpose in my dull life, my heart was beating fast and I couldn’t wait to see what this would lead to my life. For the first time in my life, I was excited to be living.
*follow if you want to know how the story continues, will be posting another chapter soon*