Dealing with college rejections

So today most of my college decisions came out.. I was rejected to every single Ivy-league college I applied to. I expected it but actually seeing it on the screen killed the little hope inside my heart that was dimly lit all along.

Am I unworthy? Am I not good enough? Maybe, but I would like to think otherwise. Truthfully, I relieved and thankful that I got rejected. It ended my pipe dream and the fantasies about the things I would experience in such an academically-rich environment.  Maybe it’s because I was raised in an academically-tense environment that led me to fantasise about these prestigious universities.

In actual fact, I don’t need to go to one to have the best university experience. You seek what you want and opportunities are there for you to find. If I went to a prestigious university where I would rely on ‘the name’ and do nothing except being stressed around such intellectual people, then I don’t want it. I would rather strive in an environment where I’m at the same level as my peers and be actively seeking my own opportunities myself.

I’ve been faced with lots of failure all my life and through these 2 years of High School, there were crossing points and hard decisions I had to make. However, I will never regret applying to these schools. To be very honest, I really enjoyed the application process. I got to understand myself a little better and got to tell strangers about what I’ve achieved so far in my life. I have had conversations with established adults about my dreams and was inspired by the things they told me. Maybe the American application made me appreciate myself a little more, and be proud of myself for a split second.

More than ever, I am more fired and motivated to do well in the public exams that await for me in May. For myself, I will achieve those grades; for myself, I will pave my own success; for myself, I will make myself proud one day.

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Goodbyes

Today, it was my maths teacher’s last day in my school. I never really liked my teacher. To be honest, I didn’t like his teaching methods, he wasn’t my favourite teacher on the list. Today in his goodbye party, he gave each individual a present, as a sign of thank you, he put together a video of all our memories through the past 2 years, and I suddenly realised, I’m going to miss him.

In his book that he gave me as a present, he wrote some words of wisdom to me, he said that life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood, life itself is the most wonderful fairytale. I don’t know when I will meet another inspiring teacher like him ever in my life, his leave suddenly made me emotional and sad. I believe that there are only a few teachers out there who aims to inspire. Even though our lives might not converse in the future, he will still be the most memorable maths teacher I ever had, he made a print on my path of life.

We were singing along to ‘I’m Yours’ by Jason Mraz in class because it was his favourite song. The whole class sang it wholeheartedly, making our last encore before his absence. When I was singing along, I noticed my maths teacher quietly standing beside the board shedding a tear, he looked genuinely sad but he acted strong and sang along. Goodbyes are hard, you never really understand until it’s really time. Time flies so fast that when it’s really time to say our final words to each other, it feels weird and you just wish that the moment will stay forever.

Goodbyes are inevitable, but people move on because that’s just how we’re adapted to be. Some goodbyes are harder than others but through time, we will meet new people and eventually, move on. I will still remember when the other teachers asked my maths teacher, ‘What’s your class like?’, his reply will always be, ‘It’s the best class I’ve taught in my whole teaching career’ These little compliments and actions he does to make his imprint on me, just makes me miss him more. Soon he will be stored away in my memory box, as a memory that I can look back at when I’m 50 and smile at..

 

Always Being One Step Behind..

Do you ever have this feeling that no matter how hard you tried, things don’t turn out the way it wants to be. No matter how hard I persevere, practise or work, I will always be the shadow of someone else; I will never get to be the one appreciated or congratulated. I always think that if I’m always going to be casted away; if I’m always going to be the one that ‘only just participated’. What is the point of me working hard?

It’s all because of human’s urge to gain recognition, to reassure our insecure selves that we do have something that we are good at. We always enjoy the things that we are good at, because it makes us feel good. Recognition boosts your self-confidence and it means that you are acknowledged. Why play a video game that is not going to help you in life? Because you are good at it, and it makes you feel happy and important. Importance, the opposite feeling of being invisible, the feeling that you are appreciated and acknowledged, and also having attention from other people.

We get so good at something that we get to the stage where we take pride of it. To the point where other people keeps praising you that you are good at something, so it drives you to think that you are good at it. Therefore, you hate the feeling of failing in that certain hobby, whether it be being good at maths or music. It has become such an important thing in your life, that the feeling of being beaten or shaded will make you feel upset and angry.

However, there are always people that will be better than us. No matter how hard you try, there will always be that one person that is better than you, and it will annoy you so much. You will get frustrated about why can’t you be better than her, you will create this mental competition with that one person that is unnecessary, but you feel like you have to, because the day when you beat he/she, you will feel like you have won. It’s the pride and the reluctance to admit that you are worse, because it is the only thing that defines you; and if you admit that you are worse, that means that you are worth nothing.

Take me for example, I picked up music as a hobby alongside with school and it has developed to the stage where I am at a high level. Music is the only thing that defines me, it is the only thing that I’m remotely good at. However, there is this older girl in my school who is at the same level as me, but just a little bit better. She had fine technique I didn’t have, she had the clean playing style that I didn’t possess. Due to the fact that she was older than me, she had all the performing opportunities, all the praises, recognition and love from the teachers; I was always standing in her shade. Sometimes, I would sit next to her in orchestra and listen to the praises and flowery words that teachers would drop on her, and for some reason, my heart will start to ache a bit. I have worked so hard to achieve what I have, but why do I feel discontented, like I’ve not done enough to prove myself? I will always one step behind her.. 

 

 Now, I have realised that there will always be someone better than. Whether it be someone who I don’t know or someone that is living in the same environment as me. There will always be a higher mountain to climb. I have realised that she will probably have someone that she looks up to and envies, she will also have someone who is better than her, because she is not the best in the world. And so am I, why should we all aim to be the best and drive ourselves to be recognised for our work? Of course being praised and complimented is a good thing, but what is really the most important is to focus on yourself. You get so distracted from the mental competition that you have created that you lose focus on your own progress. Don’t compare yourself to other people because it will just waste your time just thinking about it, because as I said, there will always be someone better. Just do your best, give your everything, convey your passion and just focus on yourself and just you. At the end of the day, you are your biggest commitment. So when you’ve improved and achieved your goals, give yourself a pat on your back, because you deserve it. 🙂

 

Frustration

So…I’m back writing blogposts after 2 years.. Why? Because I’m going through a hard time in my life again.

After failing my GCSEs, I’ve completely lost confidence in my academics. A-levels aren’t helping with it because of the big step-up from GCSEs. Seeing Bs and Cs constantly on my test papers have become immune to me. Why is that? Shouldn’t I care more and work harder to change it? Maybe it’s because I’ve accepted that that’s how far my intelligence goes.

What happened to the confident girl? I hope she finds back her drive, her motivation, the thing that makes her wake up in the morning. Is this what frustration feels like? Where was the girl who spent her days in the library, looking up to improve her grades day by day.

Sometimes, I wonder why I’m so grade-orientated. Is it something that the education system pushes? In my mind, I wish grades didn’t define your future. Ar this point, it’s not being top in your class, it’s being satisfied with how well you’re doing at school. That’s my goal and I will do it. It’s not about proving to others that you can do it, it’s for myself.

No more procrastination, no more excuses, this is your future, so you better work hard for it. You can do it, just think about the ecstatic feeling when you receive that grade sheet in August, it will all be worth it.

You can do it

In faith go forward

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Friends

I think we can all agree that we want to be loved by everyone; we want to be the perfect person that everybody looks up to; we want to be ‘goals’. When I scroll through my tumblr feed, I see these pretty and tanned girls admiring the sunset, instead of feeling a sigh of awe, I had a sigh of defeat. In reality, we really can’t be the perfect person, even the pretty girls in those ‘perfect’ pictures; there will always be people who find us annoying, and there will always be people who don’t favour us. We all have our bad habits.

That’s what friends are for. True and genuine friends will tolerate your bad habits, they’re the ones that share the same characteristics, habits and interest as you; They’re the ones that will help you all the way through life and don’t hold grudges against you. True friends won’t isolate you for someone else; true friends stick up to you no matter what, and trust me, there will only be just a few in your entire life. You don’t need a hundred people to care about you because chances are, the majority of them don’t care and just want your attention; true friends however do care and thinks about your needs before theirs. In primary school, I used to be friendless because I was new to the environment and I didn’t know anyone; I remember I would cry everyday until a girl approached me one day and asked me if I was okay before anyone else; she did it because she cared, she did it because she noticed and was concerned. The feeling was new and touching, it was like finding light in the big dark world and I can tell you that the girl that became my first friend in life is now my best friend for 7 years.

Friends are bonded through memorable things, you both have a mutual memory of each other: the small talks you have with them, the DMCs you talk about all night, the memorable school trips you had together. A friend is somebody that can insult your insecurities and you won’t feel offended because you know they’re joking. Sometimes at night, I wonder what i wake up everyday for, what is something that is worth-while for me to get up and sleep at a decent time? Well, friends do, we look forward to school, to trips, to dates because we want to make more memories with them. Going to school and studying might not be fun, but you will find that the best memories you have in life lies in the memories you make at school. A school is a portal for you to make friends so treasure it. I think there is a clear difference between lovers and friends; lovers are a pair of people who are passionately in love and can tolerate each others flaws; friends are a group of people who respect you for who you are and were there to witness your growth since day 1.

 

My Life, My Choices

I feel like society has painted a lot of images as to what is good for a career. As an asian, my parents think that a professional job (e.g. doctors, lawyers and engineers) are jobs that can give you stability and financial security. I am always pressured to fulfil their wishes but I know deep inside, this is not what I want to be.

It’s really sad to see people going to work for the sake of going to work, it might not be something they particularly enjoy but they take the job anyways, because they have wages that they can live by. In a money oriented society, people consider it as a big thing in their career. All people want, is to buy a house that they can comfortably live in and build a family, this all costs money. Therefore, for the sake of earning the money, people go with the job with the higher wage, and don’t follow their passion.

I believe if you follow your passion, you would achieve even further because you enjoy what you’re doing, and nothing you do bores you. You would lead to a healthier life that way and be happy. If your passion is saving people from diseases, good for you; if your passion is to be dancer, sign up for auditions, it’s never too late, and if you’re scared, just think that you have nothing to lose.

Don’t be influenced by your family’s wishes and don’t be wavered by how your friends are doing, because in the end of the day, it’s your choice to make the move. Break out of your comfort zone and confess that you want to be who you are, and not something you’re not. You are the designer of your life, nobody designs it for you, it’s your individual masterpiece, so don’t waste it. As they all say, you only live once, do the things you love before it’s too late and it will take you somewhere, somehow, it’s funny how events are all linked and happen for a reason. Design a life you love, make your friends and family proud of your achievements, prove to them you are more than what they think.

Grasp the time you’ve got and make use of it. Don’t just sit there in front of a computer and dream about an ideal life, because you’re not making anything happen. Seeing people on the internet gaining success might make you feel really discouraged because you’ve achieved nothing significant yet but think of it as a goal to look up to.

Time is valuable so do the things you love and not the things you are reluctant to do, take the risk, no regrets. You have a dream, so make it happen.

 

 

Procrastination??

Exams.. the most dreaded event in my school years, very interesting how school arrange these horrible things in your life… What is the purpose? Make us study even when we’re supposed to relax? All the distractions, internet, social media are things that distract me from my so called ‘revision timetable’ Is it because our brains are always attracted to things we like doing??? Why can’t I just sit down, do a couple hours of studying and then relax for a bit? Why do I have to look at my phone every second even though nothing is happening? It’s frustrating because it’s so hard not to do it..

Even when I’m studying, I think about how much more I have to do, and how I’m never going to cover all of the syllabus before exams, I freak out, have a mental breakdown, and then back to Facebook.. 2 hours later, I’m still on Facebook, for some reason, forgot that I’m behind and continue until it’s time for me to sleep. Why can’t I be disciplined? Why is procrastination so powerful.. Our human minds in some situations are never in our favour.

I wish.. that I could love studying, I would embrace that everything I learn is to broaden my ‘horizon’, I wish I could think of school work as fun. But how can you love something when people around you hate it, it influences you to not like it either. The memes on Facebook, the messages of teenagers my age complaining about how school sucks, these all make me think that school is negative. People think school is a chore, but it’s really not.. I’ve thought about this lately, school is actually where you create most of your happy memories and experiences, you learn how to socialise, meet friends, go on school trips, complain about how bad your life is, make fun of teachers… There are actually a lot of good aspects of school. It’s not just a place of torture and education, it’s actually a place to get a taste of what society is like.

If you fail your internal exams at school, it’s not the end of the world. It’s a good mistake, and you can evaluate what you did wrong and improve your way of revision for the next set of exams. However, you only have a few of these chances before the real public exams come. Public exams are a whole different subject, they matter, they sculpt your future, that is what fears me the most. I haven’t done any yet, and the fact that it matters, scares me. When I look back at the previous exams, I regret not doing more work, regret procrastinating. However, when I’m revising now, I’m still doing the same thing. Is it because I’m used to it? Used to not working and suddenly have to start doing it on a daily basis? Why am I so lazy!!!!

It is going to be hard not to procrastinate, but I think of it as dieting. Dieting is hard at first, forcing yourself not to eat that bowl of french fries two inches away from you, but after a few weeks of perseverance, you start to get used to it, and that bowl of french fries doesn’t appeal that much to you. I think procrastination is a slightly worse version of dieting because it’s soooo hardddd!! Therefore, before I pick up my phone, before I decide to scroll on my feed on Facebook, I think twice. Is this going to benefit my future? Is it actually that important to miss out on the world’s irrelevant gossip on celebrities? Do I actually care about what the Kardashians are up to? The answer is often no, so I just.. stop.. 😛 (it’s actually not that easy, trust me)

 

Hope you enjoyed my rant post!!! Wish me luck in my exams! ♥♥♥

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Childhood

Childhood is a period of time where we stay innocent, oblivious in the world. When we were children, we were fed by this idea that the world is a fantasy with fairies and pixie dust. We get so absorbed into this artificial world that we don’t take notice about the things happening around us, stuck in this little made up bubble.

I still remember that a lot of things were more acceptable as I was a child. When I accidentally spilt a drink on someone, the person would actually smile and say it’s ok. However, now when I’m older, whenever I do something accidental, people would always death stare me and curse me behind my back. Why is this?

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I feel as I grow older, you are expected to have more responsibility, you are supposed to grow up and follow society’s rules. That’s why I don’t want to grow up, because as I grow older and older, I am more exposed to society and therefore have to take responsibility for myself and my future. Learning how to be organised and set your priorities straight.

I think childhood is a rosy period where you are loved by the people around you the most. It’s a shame that I don’t remember most of my childhood, everything is a blur. All the princess and pinky things I used to have, and my obsession with cartoon network and Disney, now are all memories.

Society forces us to grow up, forces us to try new things, meet new challenges and mature. Naturally, we would forget the drip drops of our childhood because we are so occupied in our daily lives now. However, it is good to throwback and think about the precious moments in your childhood, the silly mistakes and embarrassing things you used to say, it reminds you who you truly are. Not this person that society wants you to be, but a person with a true unique colour.

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‘Come with me, where dreams are born and time is never planned’

                                        -Peter Pan

 

 

Hope you have enjoyed this post. I wrote this in response for the Daily Prompt challenge on WordPress 🙂

Comment down below what posts I should do next! and do follow 🙂

Thank you for reading ♡♡

People Move On

I returned home for the summer holidays, it was nice to see back my family and friends, returning back to where it all began. I returned back to my old school, nothing really changed, still the same antique, old-fashioned building filled with memories and laughter, I missed wearing the uniform, I just missed, the conversations that I would have with my classmates. In my mind, I had the best years of my studying career here, all those memories kept flashing through my mind. There is something different than the school life I have in the UK.

I met all my old classmates but, there was a sense of awkwardness, it was like we didn’t know each other, we didn’t know what to talk about because it has been too long. I sensed the feeling that they were pushing me away. I watched my classmates play together, everything just fitted in, without me. Why do I suddenly feel left out? We were such good friends, now, it’s like nothing was even established, I was back to square zero.

It has been so long, that I don’t know what they were up to, I didn’t know what was in their mind. It has been so long, that they have forgotten about me and moved on because I am not in their life as often, which I understand. However, it’s just really saddening that my relationship with them have fallen into embarrassment and awkwardness, it upsets me that I’ve lost a friend.

Do you know the feeling that you have this long lost friend that you’ve always wanted to contact but you decide not to because they are having the time of lives without you and are doing just fine. It feels like you don’t want to disturb their life because you are no longer necessary. I always wondered what would happen if I stayed in my old school, I might still be in good contact with them and make even more memories together, I might still be able to understand their in-jokes and do the things they do now. Seeing my friends posting their daily life activities on the internet makes me want to do it with them, makes me miss them, but I never know if it’s the same to them.

People move on whether if it’s with you or without. So do you, there are just some things that you just swiftly forget as time passes because you change and you face new challenges, you meet new people and you forget the old ones. That’s just something that human nature does, we get fed up with one thing and move on to the next. I would very much want to maintain my relationship with my friends forever but that’s really difficult and hard. Only the real and true ones stay behind, it shows that they care about you, whether or not you’ve changed or awkward around them.

Sometimes, memories are the things that we hold dearest, it is a proof of good times with your friends, whether if they have moved on and forgot you or still by your side when you’re in hard times, they are just flashbacks of happy events of your life. Time moves on, so do you, but memories don’t. So, I’d rather just leave a happy memory of all my friends than actually make an effort to befriend them again because I might not like their new self and it might ruin the ‘perfect’ memories I have with them.

 

Alone

  I like being alone, from time to time. I close my eyes and listen to my ballad music, I look around me and observe, the quietness that I’m never used to, the waving trees outside, the pattering rain, and feeling my heart is relaxing. When I’m alone, I think what a long way I have came in life, I start to think deep, and all the burdens of my life would instantly go away and I just want to stay at the moment forever.

  I like the sense that I don’t have to please anyone or make the effort to make friends or keep friends or anything. Sometimes, things just becomes too much and I think we all need that alone time to have a reality check, a moment where you can be yourself and find back your old self. I often find myself changing my character to please other people and as time goes by, I start to lose my original character. When I’m alone, my old self comes back because there is no one there to judge what I’m doing.

  When you’re alone, you start to think why nobody cares about you after all, after all the things you have done to them, you wonder why you’re not the perfect girl that always has this cute boyfriend, you wonder why you’re so weird, you get so angry at yourself because you are you. At that point, I always cry, for no apparent reason, just because I just felt like it, crying for the sake that it’ll make me feel better about my crappy life. Crying is a way of self-comfort, it shows out weak side that we don’t want anyone to see because we are insecure about ourselves, that’s why we always cry when we’re alone, hiding your feelings from everyone because they will judge for who you are.

  Who are you? When I’m alone, I always search for myself, my real-self. Who am I actually? Am I the girl that is always sociable and hangs out with her friends all the time? Or am I the girl that always wants to hide in her room and go on the internet? I get confused because there are so many sides of myself. I wish that people would accept me for the way I am but at the end of the day, I’m really the only one who can accept my true self. We all have our crazy and lonely sides that we don’t want to see.

  When I’m alone, I always look out of my window and look at the sky, those clouds emerging together, the way they move together, I always think that the sky is the prettiest when I’m alone and it makes me realises that I’m only a small creature in the great big world. Upon those clouds is a completely universe that is unknown to us and I realise that I’m one of the billions of people in the world.
 
  Then I figure that I’m not alone, because there must be someone right now, at the same moment, thinking the same thing as me, alone in their rooms and having their alone time. I’m not a loner, I’m not alone. The alone time we have I think is a type of healing, it heals you from all the hurt you get everyday, all the guilt you endure, it releases it out of your chest.

  Being alone saves us from being something we’re not, it is a time that allows to do whatever we want because there is no one there to stop us; being alone means that you can rethink your life, decide what you want to do for the rest of it and just let the chips fall into its place; being alone motivates you to do your best and live life the fullest everyday…