University.. the most daunting thing that a socially awkward person could face. A new environment, new people, new ‘page in your life’.
I still remember the anxiety attack I had in the first night when I arrived. Arriving in the common room with 200 unknown people, I felt like I wanted to hide in the corner. The overwhelming feeling was engulfing me that I hid back into my room. It’s always hard to say hi first; it’s always hard to introduce yourself to strangers. Flashbacks of my secondary school memories flooded back; the judgemental looks I got amidst the cold atmosphere, the smirks I would get when I walked past. What if this was all going to reoccur? No. I was not going to let that happen.
Bringing myself forward with my shaky hands, I approached this girl that was at the corner too and said my greeting. Greeting after greeting, it got easier. No one gave me judgemental looks but instead asked questions back. That was when I clicked that everyone was in the same position and that there was nothing to lose or fear.
I have to be honest, I think I have experienced the happiest 2 months of my life in a while. No more boring routines, but more socialising with a diverse range of people. I had more laughter and the chirpier Sarah came back. My happy self deep inside me slowly started to reappear after being hidden for many years. It was a clean slate, forming another set of first impressions.
For the first time in my life, I didn’t want to be alone. I felt empty if I didn’t have a conversation with someone for the day. It was as if my introvert self has slowly evolved and I was becoming more true to myself; for the first time in my life, I feel completely comfortable with who I am.
It is also a time of curiosity, romantically. I’ve always wondered what it would be like to emotionally depend on someone, what it would like to miss someone’s presence, what it would be like to be completely in love with someone. Although I haven’t found that someone yet, you just have a gut feeling that it will happen soon. I don’t know, I just want a normal nice guy, is that so hard to find??
Anyways, I think I truly have realised that London is a city that never sleeps. The hustle of the people around me, the yearning of ambition brings the city alive. For once, I was excited about what the future holds. The liberation I felt to be able to pursue and pave my own path, and most importantly, to present myself as I am to others is something that I’ve only been able to do since coming here.
I’ve found people who love me for who I am, and that’s all I ask for.
Escape Alaska 